Do you know what has been difficult to hear while I’ve been dealing with my diagnosis? When people tell me, “you probably won’t get another tumor” OR “you’re healthy now so focus on that.” Let me be clear though; the people saying these things are trying to be helpful.
Now let me ask you a few questions. Have you ever fallen asleep at night with your final thoughts being, “will I wake up healthy tomorrow?” Have you ever had your heart start racing and had to worry if it was another tumor or just the way your boyfriends looking at you causing your heart rate to increase? Have you ever felt sad and happy; and angry at the world but grateful at the same time? I have.
The best thing Mike has ever said to me throughout this entire process has been, “you’re going to be sad for a while, and I’ll be sad with you. Until you’re happy. And then we’ll be happy together.” Allowing myself to be sad in the moments that I feel sad, and happy when I feel happy, has been crucial to how I have been able to process all the things being thrown at me.
I may not get another tumor but the fact that I am a big old magnet for them, really blows. And telling me not to think about that is pretty unrealistic. I also know I should enjoy being healthy in the moment. But I also am going to respect my mind and emotions. I am going to allow myself to feel all the things that I need to feel. If that means crying when I see Annie doing something cute because, “I may not be here to see her do cute things one day.” (Yes, I know how ridiculous this is.) then so be it. If I do not allow myself to feel, then I will never be able to process the life changing news I got at the age of 26. And I will focus on being healthy and enjoying my life; but I can’t make the bad news disappear by focusing on being healthy right now. I must come to terms with the cards that life has thrown at me. And if sharing that hand with all of you – even when it’s a shitty hand – can help one person. My heart is happy.
Oh, and next time when someone is going through a tough time, and you want to be supportive and reach out, try saying something like, “If there is something that I can do for you, even just an ear to listen, I am here.” You may not hear from the person or they may decide to reach out to you. The gesture is appreciated though and is just enough of an effort to not be overwhelming.
Zebra’s Crossing 