Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines brave as, “having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty”. But does that really encompass all that is bravery? What if, instead of using our strength to face the fear – we used our strength to embody our fear, to aid us in being brave. What if, instead of a battle – it was a dance. Rachel Turner, who was my life coach the months prior and during my Paraganglioma diagnosis, wrote an incredible book called Brave and Afraid. The whole thing is brilliant. She mentions in the book a conversation with her dad, in which she talks about how she is trying to “punch her fear in the dick”. Rachel’s bluntness is one of her many qualities that drew me to work with her. She continues on illustrating the conversation; saying how her dad explains to her that fear is a normal human emotion, and to instead, imagine dancing with her fear instead of dicking kicking or fear punching it. Rachel goes on to explain that, instead of trying to remove this “thing” from your life, understand that you can’t ignore what’s real. So instead, try and imagine yourself dancing with your fear, to feel what it’s like to move with that feeling instead of away from it (Turner, 2019). This concept was so foreign to me at the time that I read Rachel’s book. I thought that being brave meant not being afraid, and just barreling through life with a make-shift bullet-proof vest on, hoping no one sees the blood starting to soak through my shirt.
“You are so brave.” I think this is the statement I have heard the most throughout this process. But what everyone lacks to see is the amount of fear that walks hand in hand with that brave. There is a lot of unknown with my genetic disorder, as with most rare diseases, and with the unknown comes a lot of fear. Not knowing if or when I will get another tumor, is terrifying. That’s a hard thing to just stand up in the face of, and just “be brave”. In order for me to be brave, in the face of the obstacles that life has presented me with, there are a few things I have needed to accept.
- I cannot do this with the absence of fear, no matter what I previously thought.
- I don’t need to know what the future holds in order to make it through today.
- I have to dance with my fear. The macarena preferably.
- I am allowed to be afraid.
Let’s not confuse being brave with being invincible though. If there is one thing the last year has taught me, it is that I am human. I am vulnerable. And life is a gift and not a promise. So be afraid. Feel fear. But also, be brave. Because you are.
Zebra’s Crossing 